"Sh*t please not my f*cking eyes!"
Screams our guest editor of the month
Duncan Norvelle
It's 6am on Monday June 14th 2006. All is quiet in the sleepy village of Ramjetfireball. Five minutes later screams are heard from inside the nearby village hall. An elderly man runs from the door which allows people both in and out of the building and collapses to the floor sobbing.
No you're not reading something out of some pish Stephen king novel, nor are you witnessing the final days of armageddon. in fact i have no idea why i wrote it. Maybe i am tired. So so tired, from the incessant voices in my head. Voices that scratch away at your sanity. Calling. Calling to me. Telling me to eat those who defy me and lead them to eternal damntation. Although last week they just reminded me to get a leg of pork out to defrost as we had firends coming round.
With this in mind, it is important to remember that we should never take the dark lord Satan for granted. Indeed to do so is at ones peril. I remember only too well the grave consequences of forgetting his mighty wrath when travelling down the M6 for a 'Meet-and-Greet' at the Stockport ASDA. It was only after driving 15 miles and forking out £10 on toll fees, only to realise that i hadn't strapped lucifer into the safety seat. He was incandescent with rage, i can tell you. Needless to say, he had some quite choice words to give me upon my return home.
And so in conclusion, the message i am trying to convey to you is never soak wool for more than 45 minutes in hot water or you will lose all the shape of the garment. Instead use a lower temperature and add a small amount of sand to your wash for that authentic 'Bryan Adams' look.
Happy shopping - Sir Duncan Norvelle |
